Strength
by Paralax
Summary: Korra recounts her darkest moments from her time spent recovering in the Southern Water Tribe. Rated T for bright green bottles and a lack of balance.


Bolin's apartment was small - he was in between mover projects and put on 'indefinite leave' as the Earth Nation's army was still in the throes of transition, so he couldn't afford much, But Bolin did his best to make the most of it. He had kept furniture and decorations to a minimum, save for some vintage pro-bending posters and the requisite chairs and tables and kitchen utilities. In the middle of the dining room sat a large table, big enough to fit six comfortably. Five of the six seats were filled, and three sake bottles sat in the middle, two of them empty.

Opal stretched and yawned. She stood up and stumbled slightly to the kitchen.

Bolin made to stand up. "You need help, sweetie?"

"Nah," she said, filling a glass with water. "Just come to bed soon, okay?"

"Of course." Opal kissed Bolin's head as she passed him to head to the bedroom.

The door closed behind him. "That seems to be going well," said Mako, taking another sip of his glass of sake.

Bolin beamed. "You have no idea. I've never been so happy with someone else, Mako."

Mako mimed getting punched in the chest. The lantern that hung above the kitchen table cast large, smudged shadows against the far wall of the apartment. "Bro, that hurts. Have our 20 years together meant nothing to you?"

Bolin rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean." He poured himself another glass.

"Hey I thought you were going to bed soon," Asami said, winking.

"I am. I just haven't seen you guys in weeks. I need some more Team Avatar time - Opal'll understand. Korra, you want some? You're glass is a little on the empty side."

Korra continued idly playing with her empty glass. "No thanks, I'm not really feeling it."

"You said that last week when we went out to Shin's," Mako said.

Korra shrugged. "Wasn't feeling it then, either."

"Actually, come to think of it," Asami said, "I haven't seen you drunk since..."

They paused for a second. "Never?" asked Bolin. "No, wait," he waved a finger at Korra. "The first time we all went to Shin's. A month before Unalaq went nuts. When we all ran around the City afterwards and rode Naga and almost got arrested. Korra, you were drunk then." Bolin stifled a laugh, "And Mako, you- you almost got fired! Oh man, Lin was mad."

Korra smiled slightly, not taking her eyes off of the glass. "Heh, yeah I guess I was. I almost forgot about that. Man, that was almost four years ago."

Silence filled the group for a moment. Opal's faint snoring drifted through the walls.

"Okay," Mako said finally, not taking his eyes off of the Avatar, "Spill it."

"Spill what? Really, guys, I'm fine." Korra's face was growing red.

"No, you're not. You can't hide these things from a Detective. What happened?"

"Lay off, Mako" Asami said, putting her hand on Korra's shoulder, "If she doesn't want to talk about it, then she doesn't have to talk about it."

"I know that," Mako said, "But forgive me for being a little concerned. She was fine with drinking before Zaheer came along, and then she comes back and suddenly she's afraid of touching the stuff?"

"Afraid? Where'd you get that from?"

"Like I said. Detective stuff."

"Guys," Korra said, "I'm fine, really. Can we change the subject?"

Mako continued, ticking off his fingers. "She's barely had anything to drink even though there have been plenty of opportunities to do so. She's extremely uncomfortable whenever any of us are drunk. Asami, does she drink when she's over at your place?"

"I-" Asami stopped, thinking for a moment. "No. She hasn't ever, actually."

Mako leaned back in his chair, arms behind his head. "I rest my case."

Asami turned to Korra. "Korra, is there something wrong?"

Korra didn't say anything. Mako noticed that the hand that was holding her glass was shaking slightly. "Korra," he said, changing tactics, "If something's wrong and we can help, let us help you."

The avatar sighed, and set her glass down. She took the third, almost-full sake bottle, and filled the glass up to the brim. "Fine," she said, taking in half the glass in one large swig.

* * *

><p><em>Even though only one year has passed since you left us, it's felt like so much longer...<em>

Korra put down the letter. Spirits, had it been a year? She picked up the letter, continuing to read it. Asami went on about simultaneously fascinating and frustrating it was working for Varrick and the top-secret project she had been working one.

"Korra, sweetie, dinner!" called a voice from the other end of the house.

"Coming, mom!" Korra stood up, stretching. Asami would have to wait.

She began the walk to the dining room. Korra was grateful for the ramps her parents had installed back when she was wheelchair-bound, but now that she only needed the wheelchair for extended travel, she found the ramps a painful reminder of how limited she used to be.

"Korra, you can't think of it that way," her mother said when she voiced these thoughts. "Think of it instead as how far you've come along."

"Yeah, but it took me a whole year to get to this point." Korra sighed, "I hate being like this. I hate being stuck here. You guys are great, but I just-"

"You want to go back to help the Earth Kingdom and Republic City," Tonraq said, pointing his chopsticks at her. "That's my girl. Full of drive, and stronger than ever. Sweetie, you're going to be fine."

Korra smiled a little. "Thanks, dad. It's just... frustrating. I dunno." She continued to eat her fish in silence. When she finished, she stood up. "I'm going for a walk," she said. "With Naga," she added before her mother asked.

* * *

><p>The Outpost was a small store that sat just outside the neighborhood where Korra's parents lived, and about halfway from her parent's place to the compound where she learned the elements. Together, the three locations made up the bulk of her childhood. Being in the Outpost was familiar to her, and despite having visited the store many times over the last fifteen years, it had changed remarkably little in that time. She smiled at the clerk that was working and walked through the aisles, browsing.<p>

But even the charm of the Outpost wasn't enough. She had been in a funk these past couple weeks and it wasn't passing. Listening to the radio hadn't helped, as it normally did. Asami wasn't writing back as often as she used to, and Katara's optimism was continuing to grate on her to no end.

They were out of Fizzies, another staple of her childhood. Korra frowned, imagining the small, brightly colored drinks. _Just my luck_

She wandered idly, not really looking at anything, when a bright green bottle caught her eye. It was a bottle of locally brewed sake - Dad's favorite, both at home and went he went to parties and get-togethers of him and his hunting buddies. She picked one up, turning it over in her hands. The bottle was tall and wide, with a thin neck and red text on the label, advertising its authenticity as 'local' and 'proudly made in the Southern Water Tribe'. It was bigger than she remembered it being. _There'd be enough in here to get me drunk_, she though to herself.

Wait a minute. She had money on her. She was old enough to buy the sake herself. Had been for years.

She walked up to the register and handed a fistful of yuans to the clerk. He took them. "Party of one tonight?" he asked, not looking up from counting the money.

Korra shrugged. "Yeah, probably."

The clerk handed her some coins in change. "Take care, ma'am."

* * *

><p>Korra didn't manage to finish the bottle.<p>

She lay on her bed, the bottle's final quarter taunting her. Somewhere, far away, a radio was playing jazz.

Korra rolled her head as slowly as she could, stopping when she was staring at the ceiling. She felt a breeze from her open window. If she closed her eyes, for a second, she could pretend that she was the one bending the cool air through the window. Her body was buzzing - she hadn't been this drunk... ever, actually. It felt good and weird all at once. She felt like she was floating on a cloud made of her bed. Everything was spinning slowly and her legs weren't aching from physical therapy and her imagination was taking her to the most fantastical of places. She let her mind wander in circles until everything faded to black.

When she opened her eyes again, it was morning. She sat up. Her head ached a little, but that was more from dehydration than the alcohol. She reached for a pitcher of water that sat on the nightstand next to her bed. As she poured herself a glass of water, she went through her day in her head. Physical Therapy with Korra in a few hours. Then probably sitting in on a Water Tribe meeting with her father - Tonraq wanted Korra to stay current with world affairs for "your inevitable return to the scene" as he called it. Then dinner. Then she'd be by herself for the rest of the day. It'd probably do her some good to read. She had received a small mountain of books on nearly every subject imaginable from various world figures, all wishing her a speedy recovery. It'd be good to continue the dent she had made in that mountain.

Korra could smell breakfast before she made it to the kitchen. Senna was finishing up a plate of eggs. She turned around and smiled. "Oh! Good morning, Korra. You're up early."

"Early? Mom it'll be noon in a couple hours."

Senna shrugged. "Usually I have to drag you out of bed to eat before you go to Katara. I'm guessing you slept well."

"I-" Korra thought about it for a moment. "Actually, yeah. Yeah, I did."

"No bad dreams?"

"No dreams at all, actually."

"Wow, really? When was the last time that happened?"

"I dunno." Korra accepted a plate of eggs and breakfast meats. "Not since before..." She trailed off.

"Well, that's wonderful." Senna didn't say anything else, but Korra could tell that her mom was going to be in a good mood for a while.

* * *

><p>"At that point, I wasn't having the nightmares every night. But that was the first night I had dreamless sleep in... years." Korra drained her second glass of sake.<p>

"So." She poured herself another glass, "That became the routine every few days. When it all got to be too much, I'd buy a thing of sake and and sit in my room and have a night of peace."

"And then what?" Mako asked.

"Well, I started needing to drink more to get to the point to where I could drown out the dreams. And, as a side-effect, my dreams started becoming more intense on the nights I didn't drink."

"How bad did it get?" Asami asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Korra looked down at her glass, idly bending the water in the sake back and forth. "It was daily by the end of the second month. But it was gradual enough that I didn't really notice it. I didn't care, either. To be free of those dreams tormenting me..." She laughed a little. "But my parents were starting to notice the... change in me."

"Korra, honey, that's your second glass."

Korra shrugged, swallowing her mouthful of sake. "Practice was hard today."

Senna put her hand on Korra's. "I'm sure it was, sweetie, but that stuff is pretty strong."

Korra winked. "I can handle it, mom."

Tonraq sat across from Korra, arms crossed. "Well that's your last glass for tonight."

Korra bowed. "As you wish, father." She picked up her chopsticks and set to work on the small plate of food in front of her

After dinner, Korra went upstairs to her room. Quietly, she knelt down next to her bed and pulled out a two-thirds full green bottle from under it, careful so as not to disturb the half-dozen or so empty bottles that lay around it. She uncorked the bottle and took a long drink from it. The familiar warmth entered her belly, and she sighed. Practice was indeed hard today, but she'd be able to sleep soon and forget about it. Tomorrow was another day, after all.

She reached over and turned on her radio. Jazz filled the room, and she walked around, pretending she was lithe enough to dance to it.

Before she knew it, the bottle was empty. She frowned. She wasn't quite where she needed to be. Yet.

Kneeling down the second time was much more challenging than the first time. She put the empty bottle back under the bed and reached for where the full bottles were.

Except there weren't any. "Did I forget?" she said aloud. She stood up, slowly, so as not to upset her balance. She slapped her head. "Stupid."

She needed more. That much was certain. Being able to stand meant that if she went to bed now, the nightmares would surely come. Korra shuddered, briefly remembering the last time that had happened, almost two weeks prior.

"Wait," she said, "Dad's got some in the cabinet." She stumbled over to her bedroom door. "But I can't wake them. Dad'll be mad." She laughed at her rhyme.

Slowly, she made her way downstairs. The liquor cabinet was in the kitchen, near the sink. She made her way to said cabinet, opening it. She felt around, making small clinking sounds as her hand caused glass to knock against glass. Finally, she found the familiar thin neck. "Gotcha," she whispered.

A light flicked on. Korra yelled and jumped back, knocking her hip into the edge of the counter. "Ow," she said, bending over, one hand on her hip.

"I thought you were a burglar," she heard a voice say. She looked up and saw her dad, holding a wooden club in one hand and a glob of water in the other. "What are you doing?"

"Uh," Korra tried to stand up, but the blood rush that ensued mix badly with the alcohol in her system. She stumbled forward, catching herself on the lip of the dining room table.

Tonraq sniffed the air. "You're drunk."

_Not drunk enough._ Korra set the sake bottle down on the table. "I'm sorry for waking you."

Tonraq sighed. The ball of water around his fist fell to the floor. "How long has this been going on?"

"How long has what been going on?" Korra felt her tongue getting tangled within itself. Does he know?

"Your mother found sake bottles under your bed when she was cleaning your room a few days ago," Tonraq said, "And Katara told me your progress with her has stalled, which is unusual given the amount of improvement you've shown in recent months."

So they knew. "Dad," she began. "I-". The last of the sake she had before she came downstairs was hitting her, and it was getting hard to form coherent arguments. "I need this, Dad."

"You need to get drunk? Forgive me if I find that a little hard to believe."

"No, it's-" Korra found herself undoing the cap of the sake bottle. "It helps me sleep. Sake makes it so I can't dream. If I can't dream then I can't have bad dreams. And I- I don't want the bad dreams." Memories of the dreams came back to her, and she shivered.

"Korra, I don't think alcoholism is the right way to go about solving your problem. Give me the bottle."

"Well nothing else works," she said, feeling herself grow angry. "Meditation doesn't work. Reading doesn't work. Nothing works. But this." She motioned to the bottle before taking a deep swig from it. "This works."

"Korra, give me the bottle."

"No, Dad." She spat out the last word. She was close, she knew it, just get through the bottle and the blackness would consume her and she would be safe, safe for another night. "I need this. You don't get it. You can't get it."

"I understand that you have developed a problem that's hindering your ability to perform. You are my daughter and under my care until you get better."

Korra glared at him. "No you're not. You just like that things are back to the way they were. Back to where I was always under your watch."

She brought the bottle up again. Tonraq made a motion with his hands and Korra felt the liquid in the bottle lurch forward. The bottle slipped out of her hand and into Tonraq's. "Give it back," she said, standing up.

"Korra, I know you're stronger than this. You don't need-"

"I'm not strong, dad." She tried walking towards him, towards the bottle, but she stumbled and leaned against the table for support. It was becoming difficult to balance herself. "I used to be. Now, I'm nothing."

"But you can become something again, Korra."

"Why?" Korra asked, and she wished with all of her might that she had enough bending to take the bottle back. "Even at my strongest I wasn't enough."

"Sweetie." Senna came into the room, wrapped in a furry robe. "What's going on?"

Korra swatted her dad's arm away and stood up, swaying heavily. "Korra," her mom said slowly, "are you drunk?"

A thought struck Korra through the haze that was enveloping her brain. "I've never told you what the bad dreams are. Do you want to know?"

Tonraq opened his mouth to answer. "I die," Korra said. "Every. Night. Every night, I'm tied up in Zaheer's lair with his Red Lotus goons. Every night, I get poisoned." Tears started to fall down her cheeks. "Every night, that pain comes over me, and I fight with Raava until she wins and Zaheer kills me. And most of the time, I wake up."

"Oh, sweetie," Senna said, covering her hands to her mouth. "That's horrible."

"But sometimes. Sometimes I don't wake up. Sometimes the dream keeps going, and I get to see what the world is like after I'm gone. And you know what? It's pretty great. Everyone's happy and the world is at peace and my friends and you guys aren't in danger."

"Korra," Tonraq said, holding his hand out again. Korra pushed it away, but she lost her balance and fell to the floor. The room was starting to spin, but Korra's eyes were still locked on her father's.

"The world doesn't need me anymore, Dad. The world doesn't care about me. The world won't care if I drink myself to sleep every night until I die, or walk into a blizzard and don't come back."

Senna knelt down in front of Korra. She hugged the Avatar tightly and started sobbing loudly. "I'm so sorry," she said, over and over.

Korra, looked at her, then her dad. Her dad didn't look sad, he looked... disappointed. "I've failed you, Dad." she said finally. "I've failed you, and my friends, and Aang, and all the other Avatars. The only good thing left that can happen to me is if I die and a new Avatar comes around and he's not as much of a failure as I was."

"Stop saying that," her dad said, and Korra could see that he was shaking. He knelt down and picked the two of them up in a giant hug. "You are not a failure," he said.

"I wish you were right," she said, her voice muffled slightly be her dad's arm. "I really do."

* * *

><p>Korra took the sake bottle, draining what little was left. "So, yeah. I woke up with the worst hangover of my life the next morning. My parents helped me through the withdrawal, which was... rough. But I made it through, and I came to my senses about how stupid I was. And after that my bending really improved and I got better and... yeah."<p>

The room was dead silent. "I'm sorry for asking," Mako said finally.

"No, 's fine," Korra said, not trying to keep her words from slurring. "You were right. You all probably needed to know."

"But you're fine now?" Mako asked.

Korra shrugged. "Mostly. I still get the dream every so often, but never nearly as bad as then. The dream hasn't gone past my death since I left the South."

"And the drinking?"

Korra waved her hand. "Not an issue. I just don't like doing it because it reminds me of those two months. But since I was telling the story, I figured it would help jog my memory, if y'know what I mean."

"Sure."

Korra stood up suddenly, swaying a little. "Hoo boy, haven't felt like this in a long while." She yawned. "I'm ready for bed. Asami. Let's go."

Asami stood up, collected her bag, and walked out of the apartment, not saying a word or making eye contact with anyone else in the room. "What's up with her?" Korra asked the boys. When they didn't respond, she shrugged before strolling over to the door and exiting the apartment, whistling.

Bolin turned back to Mako. "Well, that was... wow." He stood up and started collecting the bottles. "That was... wow." He was quiet for a moment. "You'd tell me if something like that ever happened to you, right?"

Mako raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, of course buddy."

"Okay, good, because that-" Bolin stopped, looking back out the window, to the haze of the late-night city. "I can't imagine being her. Ever. Even back when it was just the four of us going out to Narook's every weekend. There's just so much pressure, all the time. I'd crack in two weeks."

Mako clasped his brother on the shoulder, setting the glasses in his hand in the sink. "Well that's why you're not her, bro. Just stick to being the world's only lavabender-who's-also-a-mover-star."

Bolin smiled at that. "Yeah, good point." He yawned. "Well I'm going to bed. Couch is yours."

Asami was silent the entire cab ride back to Korra's apartment. Korra decided to keep her mouth shut as well. She had said her part.

In silence they walked up two flights of stairs. In silence Korra unlocked her door and switched on the main light. In silence Asami threw her bag down and entered the bedroom.

"Oy," Korra said aloud. No response. She was too drunk to have to be dealing with this. _Though you did bring it upon yourself._

Korra entered her bedroom. Asami had already stripped and was sitting on the edge of the bed in a nightgown. She had her head in her hands. Korra couldn't tell if she was crying or not.

She sat down next to her girlfriend. "What's up?" she finally asked.

Asami didn't respond, but she did wrap herself around the Avatar. Korra put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm fine," she whispered. "Really, I am. My family made sure of it. And I'm not who I was back then anymore. I'm healed"

Asami sat up and kissed her. "No," she said, "You're not better." She looked away. "Sometimes I hear you talking to yourself in your sleep. You sounded like you were having a bad dream. You sounded afraid. Now I know why." Asami pulled Korra into a tighter hug. "But I'm here for you now, and whenever you need me."

Korra smiled, and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Thank you."

* * *

><p><em>This was one of those stories where I had the core idea in my head, but couldn't seem to translate it onto the page. I know it's awkward in spots, and really, I did try. But after a certain point I was writing in circles and not getting anywhere and had to post it or else it would have floated in my hard drive forever. Feedback is requested and greatly appreciated – this was my first attempt to write something this complex in two years, and I know I'm more than a little rusty.<em>

_But I'm pleased with the core concept. It's a sharp contrast to all the love-stricken Korrasami fics that are out there, and the first idea that came to me when I got the itch to start write LOK fanfiction again. Consider me the Vaatu to your Raava, ._

_There's plenty more on the way (both happy and sad), so stay tuned._


End file.
